Humes

Best window in the whole world. 

I remember the exact moment when I realized we'd outgrown our house. A friend dropped off boxes and boxes of unsold yard sale toys and clothes for Millie, who was about 18 months at the time. The house suddenly looked like a storage unit for a toddler (and her magpie mother).

Zach and I considered renovating and expanding the house, even asking his sister to do mock-ups of the space to show a contractor. We love the house, the neighborhood, the location. It's home.

In the end, we decided it was too risky to undertake a huge renovation. We started looking at houses, finding a great home in a good neighborhood: very close to the Greenline, within walking distance to a good school and our favorite ice cream parlor. I'm looking forward to moving into this house, a new space to create memories. But, because I'm me, can't help feeling all the feelings when it comes to the little house on Humes.

My life in the house started before me--with Ronni. I moved in about a year after Zach and I started dating. Ronni and I bickered. We left each other notes inspired by William Carlos Williams poems (Forgive me/for eating your fries/they were so crispy and delicious). That note is still on the refrigerator. We pretended we were French--obviously this meant eating baguettes, drinking wine, and watching Amelie. We woke up early one morning to watch Kate Middleton marry Prince William. One night, I was laying in bed and Ronni knocked on my bedroom door, still wearing her Starbucks apron. "Lola's gone." I laid down, feeling a mixture of relief that my grandmother was no longer suffering, and wonder at where, exactly, she'd gone.

After Ronni moved to Austin, Zach moved into Humes. I painted the living room blue while watching "All My Children," studied for my graduate school finals, accepted a job offer to be a school counselor in the dining room. The night before our wedding, I spent the night alone in the house--maybe one of my favorite memories. On our wedding day, we inexplicably gave all our keys to our siblings, thus locking ourselves out.

Living with a dude. Also, experiments with a gallery wall, which I won't be doing again.

After we came back from London, I blithely look a pregnancy test in the bathroom. I remember leaning on the washing machine when two lines appeared, thinking I might pass out. Humes is where we took home our little baby. On our first night home after her birth, she was sitting in a bouncer (that she hated) while we ate dinner, and I thought, "Look, it's all normal now. It's totally fine." But in reality, it felt like a total stranger moved in and I had to act cool about it. We stumbled through those first weeks and months of parenthood at Humes. Gradually, we became accustomed to and fell deeply in love with our little stranger. Millie took her first steps and said her first words, told me "I love you, Mommy" randomly after I read her a bedtime story. It made those difficult and endless nights worth it.

Spent a lot of time putting the bouncer in various rooms of the house, hoping Little Stranger would prefer a certain location. Nope!

Also spent a lot of time breastfeeding in the computer room to stay awake.

I will miss our neighborhood. The streets which make up my routes have seen everything I wrote about in the previous paragraphs and much more--more joy, elation, frustration, and sadness than I could express. I can tell you where exactly I hit one, two, or three miles, and how many loops it would take to make six. Even before we started looking at houses I'd begun doing long runs through our neighborhood instead of driving to a trail--I wanted to stay close to home.

This street.

Would we have stayed at Humes if it had an extra bedroom or two? Probably. But, it's time for change. I'm happy we have so many pictures of Millie's first years in this house. It's part of her history, the same way Nokomis and Chesapeake Lane are part of mine. It's mythic now. Humes will now be the setting for someone else's story. I hope it's as good for the next person, people, or family who calls it home as it was for me.

New Year, New(ish) Me!

I call this picture, "Where I would sit and contemplate while drinking coffee, if I lived in West Milford, New Jersey and had child care for the afternoon."

According to my dashboard, I published exactly one post in 2016.  I don't have any plausible excuses (busy, interest in maintaining a blog waxes and wanes like the moon's gravitational pull), but the past year did open my eyes to how incredibly fast life passes. I blinked, and now have a busy,  healthy, strong-willed toddler. I do see the value in recording my thoughts and experiences, if only for me. It's as though life has suddenly been put in hyperdrive and I want to hang on to every moment.

These are the phrases I will associate with 2016: pain and suffering, 30s-life crisis. Breaking it down:

Pain and Suffering:  The world is a pretty strange place, full of people and events which make you wonder if humans have evolved at all. Beyond the mostly horrible, tragic news, a lot of people I care about had experiences ranging from difficult to unfathomable. Being fired from jobs. Cancer, which can go fuck itself a million times. Suicide. Knowing and seeing all this happen, and helpless to do anything other than pray. Feeling hopeless.

30s-life Crisis:  For the past three years, I'd been in a pregnancy/infant/baby haze, only to emerge in 2016 and realize that I'm 35. Thirty-five! But I just turned 22! There have been so many moments like this, living in a headspace where my mind is constantly swimming. (Drowing?) Wondering who I am now. Wondering if I'm qualified to raise a little person. Comparing myself, my house, my running splits with childless twentysomethings on instragram. Looking at my face in the mirror and seeing lines and gray hair that don't equate to the perception I have of myself. I still feel so young and like I have a lot of growing up to do. Will I ever feel like an "adult?" Do I want to feel like one, and what does it mean if I generally don't want to ever feel like one?

Despite the general blah of 2016, it hasn't been a totally horrible time. Some of the good:

New job.

My clean desk and incorrect name plate at the beginning of the school year.

After spending several years working in the world of early childhood and elementary, I've transitioned to middle and high school. It's been baptism by fire (how did I survive the month of September?) but I love it. Some people are meant to work with the littles. I am not one of those people. I do miss the students and my friends at St. Aug; it was a blessing to work in early childhood while my own was so tiny because I learned so much. But when the opportunity to move on came, I knew it was time. Talking to high school students about college--even  middle school girl drama--feels more natural.

Dawn, my ride-or-die for the past 2 years. I miss her like whoa.

But now I can write detentions for kids who won't do yoga, so yay!

Charitable giving. I gave to charities, causes, crowd-funding campaigns, homeless people, anything that spoke to my heart. When I realized how many causes and organizations I gave to last year, I felt a wave of happiness. Maybe I am an adult?

Little travels. It was all about familiar places: Bentonville. Chattanooga. Wayne. Brooklyn. It was good and grounding to be around family. I wish we lived closer.

Felix and Millie on the farm, Alstead NJ.

Millie dancing with Gocki, also on Farm.

We paid $32 for this picture, Chattanooga. 

The Amazeum in Bentonville!

At Maison Premiere in New York, Ronni giving her best alluring gaze

Basically what I live for, New York.

I call this photograph, "Sisters hangry walking to get pizza at sunset," Brooklyn

Still running. I ran three 5Ks and a half marathon in 2016. No personal records, but several moments of success when I thought it was impossible. That's why I love running: it's taught me that I can do hard things. I love the community among runners, especially women.

I call this photo, "A running team that does more eating and drinking together than actual running."

My little person.

She is a powerhouse. How can such a small thing simultaneously drain my energy and give me strength at the same time? She is magic. (That is, when she isn't throwing exorcist-style tantrums, demanding I play with legos, demanding chocolate, or hitting me.) I have so much to write about her.

On our way to Frozen Superfan Convention. It was at Whole Foods. But really, she drank the Frozen kool-aid. There is no escaping.

She actually sits still to get her toes painted, one of only 2 instances she's actually ever still. The other one is watching YouTube videos of talking crayons on her Lala's phone.

This is her squad.

Some of my hopes for the new year:

Less comparing myself to others
More travel, maybe somewhere new
One unassisted pull-up (on a pull-up bar, not a reference to potty training, but on that note)
Non-traumatic potty training for all parties involved
Take pictures with a real camera and not a phone
Continue giving to different charities and causes
A nose piercing (kind of kidding, but also not kidding)
Nurture all relationships in my life
Do a better job of planning meals

We're married! 

This is a picture from way earlier in the year, but she lives for her Lala and Gocki.

Heres to a turnt up 2017! And maybe add stop talking like a teenager to my list of resolutions?

There you have it: a list of pretty standard resolutions. I'll end this post with my favorite vague and frustrating phrase: We'll see!

Little Bibi: 16 months (Actually 18)

Edits in blue, for timeliness. Haha. That's what happens when I go back to a draft that never gets published and half of life has changed. Hilarious.  

Hi Monkey!

You are growing so fast and learning more every day. You are such a delight. 95% delightful.

Making a mess, per usual.

Every day your bapa and I talk in disbelief at how much you've grown. You crack us up all the time.

This sums up any outing we have. Random objects become obstacle courses.

Some of your favorite things right now:

Your bedtime. Did you hear the angels singing? You have a bedtime, and it is glorious, and beautiful, and it has added years (ok, at least a few weeks) back to my life. After a few decent months of a sleep routine, you suddenly became much more aware of your surroundings and would wail after we put your in your crib. This was around your 11 month mark. Instead of maintaining consistency, we regressed back into some nasty habits--letting you stay up too late, putting you in our bed to fall asleep, moving you to your crib, then putting you back in our bed when you inevitably woke up at 2, 3, or 4 am. It wasn't pretty. Finally, bapa and I said, "Enough is enough." It was back to cry-it-out 2.0. I have to tell you, bibi, your bapa is a trooper. He listened tuned out your crying while I left the house. It took about 4 days before you fell asleep without a fight. FOUR! You were ready for a routine. I think we are all better for it. When I see you reaching for your crib after your bedtime stories (All Things Bright and Beautiful, Olivia, and Goodnight Moon), I want to cry tears of joy. Maybe I have. This is a hilarious paragraph because probably 2 days after I wrote this you tried to climb out of your crib and I aged 15 years. I'm sorry, but you're gonna stay in your crib forever. Or at least until I am mentally and emotionally prepared for the toddler bed, which will be never, so I guess forever it is. Sorry, boo.

Ugh kill me.

Your Lola and Gocki. I also love your Lola and Gocki. They continue to be my lifeline. It is so much fun to watch them with you because they adore you. I'll say it a million times--they wouldn't notice if I was on fire if you are in the room. Hopefully you'll make up for any shortcomings I had/have as a daughter.

Just a tad loved.

Throwing things on the ground and saying, "uh-oh."

Acorns. Rubber ducks. Legos. Crayons. Flowers ("wawas"). Bubbles. Your baby dolls. Throwing tantrums. Double fisting any objects--sharpies, pencils, cheerios.

Not really sure why this is happening.

I am starting to love children's areas at free events.

The Wiggles. You love dancing! Maybe I'll put you in dance class. Dance Moms, here I come!

You love Frozen (aka "Anna"). Although the songs NEVER leave my head, your father and I have started talking about the characters as if they are real life people ("Don't you think Elsa would really benefit from therapy?"), I'm grateful for the distraction it provides if only for 8 minutes.

Your favorite babysitter

You are starting to "read" books and it's precious and gives me endless hope! You love your tiny Mickey Mouse and Friends books. You actually love most books and recently began preferring certain books over others during bedtime. 

Healthy eating, part 1

You still love to eat. I'm grateful you aren't a picky eater (yet). You're starting to become a picky eater. You love noodles ("oo-da"), rolls, yogurt, rice and beans from La Guadalupana, avocados, cookies, and pretty much anything starchy. You still enjoy the jarred vegetables, which makes me happy because at least I'm feeding you something healthy.

Healthy eating, part II

Your language skills are developing rapidly. Some of the many words you say on a regular basis: eyes, nose, teeth, ears, duck, dog, meow (pronounced "mao"), eat, milk, bottle, Michael, yes, no ("oh no"), bubble, Anna, baby (bibi), cow, water.

Millie pie, you are super crazy but I love you.

FYI, your mom dominated the Easter egg hunt this year, but next time it's all you!

xoxo,
Mommy

Fun things!

For posterity, proof I am capable of having fun and my life is actually pretty freaking awesome. I spend a lot of time living in my head, worrying and thinking about things I can't control or making up scenarios which have a .009% chance of happening. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a deviation or two above the norm on the intensity spectrum. Thank God my family, especially my husband, is really patient with me. "I know it's 6 a.m. on a Saturday, the baby is smearing a banana on the comforter, and we haven't had coffee yet, but can we talk about what's happening in Syria?"( I wake up with a lot of thoughts and ideas, and by the end of the night I'm nonverbal, scrolling through pictures of food on instagram. My intensity does have a limit.)

Life is really good! Fall is my favorite time of the year. I missed out on all the fun stuff last year because I was busy trying to keep myself and a newborn alive. This time, we've had a lot of fun and it's not even Thanksgiving yet!

 

Mille's first Grandparents' Day at daycare! Obviously she didn't know it was going to happen, but she was pretty psyched to see her Lola and Lolo alongside her favorite teacher, Miss Fatima.

I think my mom was more excited than anybody about Grandparents' Day. She'll be the one in the front row of all the piano recitals, school performances, spelling bees, and pretty much anything else. Mom is the archiver. Archivist? I'll let her handle all the media and I can just watch and know it will be recorded. Plus she has better cameras than me, and a selfie stick.

We are very grateful for Miss Fatima. She even told us Millie is her favorite. I'm so happy Millie has bonded with one of her caretakers. Apparently she sometimes pushes other kids if they get too close  to Miss Fatima. This is obviously inappropriate, but it does make me feel better knowing she will be grabbed first in case of a fire (one of my paranoid scenarios). We will work on the pushing thing, as being a school counselor with a bully daughter is not acceptable.

The Keeping It Real Christmas Photo Shoot 2015. Even with her grandmother as a photographer, Millie wouldn't cooperate. It might be a photoshopped Christmas card this year. Last year I had every intention of sending her birth announcement as a holiday card, but I dropped the ball. I'm not 100% sold on these pictures because there's something off in every single one of them (i.e., we look weird, or Millie looks weird, or she's not looking at the camera--and really, people only care about the baby anyway).

Real life.

We tried to go camping! In our dating years Zach and I went camping a lot. It's been a while since we've gone, but we attempted to go during the weekend Ole Miss played at Memphis. Our house is within walking distance to the stadium. If there is a huge game, you'll either be stuck inside your house for hours, stuck in traffic trying to get back to your house, or dealing with cars blocking your driveway. And Memphis is actually good this year in football, so now EVERYONE is suddenly a fan.

Living room camping, no doubt will happen soon because she loved the tent.

Our plan didn't work because we didn't reserve a campsite in time and all the spots were taken when we got to the park. We mistakenly believed everyone would be watching the game--they hyped it up big time for weeks! There was also a burn ban that weekend, meaning we wouldn't have been able to start a fire anyway. No smores? No way. We went to my parents' house and slept in a real bed.

We did get to go hiking, which was pretty nice. Zach in his camo shirt which he purchased "to fit in" Millington.

I ran a 5k and placed 3rd overall female! The course was in a cemetery (the beneficiary was a children's grief counseling program) and the weather was nice and chilly, i.e., perfect race weather.

So it turns out racing a 5k really, really hurts. But it's also quite nice because IT'S OVER SO QUICKLY. When I got to the 2nd mile marker I thought, "What?! This is almost done!" Was the pain worth it? Yes, because there were tacos at the finish line. Did I mention how awesome it is to be finished after 3 miles?

Of course, I had to give my water to the baby or else she would've had a meltdown. She also ate the bananas and had some chips and salsa. Already knows the importance of the food at the finish line. My kid.

My parents came to cheer me on! Really they came to see Millie but I can pretend they were there to see me.

Mills' first Halloween! She dressed up like a watermelon (or a strawberry--I didn't realize this might've been a strawberry costume until someone else pointed it out) for her daycare party. Miss Nicole as gumball machine, an idea I'll probably steal in the future.

She never stops moving. Approximately 1/2 the pictures I take of her look like this.

Millie was born into a Star Wars obsessed family, so she's looking at an existence filled with Star Wars references. For the record, this is Princess Leia A New Hope hair with an Empire Strikes Back inspired outfit. Poor girl has no idea what's in store for her future. I'm a little nervous about next month, when Zach will undoubtedly go into a full Star Wars trance.

We went to a Fall Festival at our church. It rained the entire weekend, so it took place in the gym and was crowded and hot. Basically I ate a hot dog, fed Mills the cole slaw, we took some photo booth pictures, and went home.

She broke the little paper glasses. Little does she know about her genetics. The infamous Austria vision genes will not be denied!

Our friends the Alanos sent her this little coupe for her birthday. She loves to use it as a lounge. Here she is eating crackers and watching Sesame Street. Life is pretty sweet when you're a toddler.

Her first photograph! Not really sure what's happening here, but it looks cool!