Time is a tricky minx

I go back to work on Monday. It's hard to believe it's been almost 3 months since Millie was born. I hear this all the time when it comes to children, but really--where did the time go?

Her first day of daycare! I was proud of myself for lasting until 1:30 before picking her up.

For the past two weeks, we've been taking her to daycare to acclimate her (me) to her new surroundings. It sounds like each day is getting better for her, but it still breaks my heart to drop her off. BUT each day my heart breaks just a tiny bit less. So that's progress!

Maybe it's because we are finally in something slightly resembling a routine and on the cusp on breaking it up and starting over, but I've been a little emotional lately. It's pretty strange how days and weeks can go by so slowly, and suddenly I wake up with 2 weeks left of maternity leave and a 12 week old. Clothes which dwarfed her a month ago are suddenly too tight. She is babbling away. It makes me wonder how much she'll grow and change when she's on someone else's watch and not mine.

She looks older in this picture. Also, more Caucasian. 

A couple of instances in the past week reminded me how quickly time passes:

1. Zach's youngest cousin was accepted to college. When I first met her, she was 11 years old and kept asking to see our phones. The iPhone hadn't come out yet, she had a blackberry (serious), and Zach and I both had flip phones. Now she's going to college in Fort Worth.  She also probably has the iPhone 6--the big one. Zach and I will always be 3 steps behind her on the phone front. I can't believe she is old enough to go to college.

2. My friend Cynthia told me her 15 year old daughter recently informed her that she was ruining her life. Cynthia was shocked and hurt, but immediately played the anger card, pulled the car over, and read her the riot act. I told her I think that statement is probably normal for a 15 year old, and a few years ago found a journal entry from my youth with those exact words "My mom is ruining my life." (That was SOOO embarrassing to read. I threw the journal away because I was ashamed, but probably should have kept it to show Millie one day. You know, bond with her.) Anyway, Cynthia is a great mom and clearly she's doing her job if her teenage daughter hates her, right? It made me wonder how I'd react if/when Millie says those words to me. Will I cry in front of her? Will I get angry? Will I stop the car in the middle of Poplar Avenue and tell her to get out?

Honestly, I've never been one of those people who is good at "living in the moment" or "being present." I'm always thinking about what comes next, trying to cross things off a to-do list. When I'm working on a project the impatience settles in halfway through because I want to move onto the next thing. Having a baby has forced me to stop (a little--I'm never going to really change) and just accept where we are.

Love these two together. Nothing better than this. I just noticed she isn't wearing pants.

I have to constantly tell myself Millie is still an infant. The other day I caught myself thinking, "I need to remind her to never accept drinks from guys when she's at a college party. She must always get her own drinks. Even if it's from a guy she likes and seems decent, she still needs to get her own drink. Is she going to take this guy home to meet us?"

Let's go over what's wrong with this scenario.
1. Before planning my lecture on the danger of roofies, I should probably work on getting my kid to sleep without a pacifier.
2. Why am I assuming she will be all about the party scene? Maybe she'll be like her mother and spend her college years teaching herself how to knit.
3. Also, I'm apparently fine with her drinking under age? (I'm not, but I'm also being realistic. This began a whole separate chain of thoughts.)
4. I just really want her to make good decisions about who she spends time with. She'll probably want the bad boy at some point in her life, but hopefully it will teach her to appreciate the really good guys. I'm ok with a Jess, but only the Jess who comes back to visit Rory after she drops out of Yale and talks some sense into her. I think maybe Millie and I can start watching the Gilmore Girls together when she is nine. Or ten.

I will show her this (pediatrician-approved sleeping situation, obviously) picture when she's older and hates me.

So now that I've fast-forwarded 18 years of our lives, I need to get it together and slow down. Really slow down and just live where I am--where we are in time. This is really hard for me; no amount of meditation, deep breathing, or charm bracelets will make this happen. But I'll just fake it til I make it, right? (That's really my M.O.)

I sort of feel like this face is going to happen a lot. Millie hates phones. She was smiling and babbling, suddenly I break out the phone and she gives me this look.

Patterns. Routines. Management. Month Two.

This is still how she sleeps at night. 

We are well into Millie's second month!* Truthfully, since the last post I feel like we have a different baby. This is due to a number of things: Zantac, Dr. Lana, Enfamil, Woombies, but mostly to our amazing friends who've shared support, advice, humor, listening ears, and reading eyes. I can't stress how normal this made us (me) feel. It's amazing what being honest and publicly airing your nervous breakdown will do for your life. As a result, I feel we're slightly more competent at this parenting thing.

 *She will be 3 months next week, so obviously I'm really good at writing a post in a timely manner.

The biggest change is we've started to pay closer attention to Millie's daily patterns rather than trying to force her into a routine. Currently her day is basically eat, spit up, diaper change, play/read/tummy/swing time, fussiness, swaddle, nap. Repeat. Around 5 pm she gets super fussy and wants to be comforted and held. This will go on for either a short while or it might be hours before calmness. Mills finally settles down for the night around 9:30, which I realize is pretty late for an infant, but she's been sleeping in pretty decent stretches through the night, so we'll just go with it for now. She wakes up once anywhere between 12:30 to 3:30 for a feeding and diaper change, and usually wakes up around 5 am for another feed. For us this is progress compared to the nightly horror show happening only a month ago. Z and I are still pretty tired most of the time but strangely functional.


Millie loves:

Naptime! I don't love the halo, so it's our daytime swaddle. 

• Spitting up. This is her thing, and she does it everywhere: her clothes, our blankets, in the hood of my favorite hoodie. She's a happy spitter (Zantac!) so we're treating this as NBD. 
• Plaid. Like any good Catholic girl, Millie is mad for plaid and loves to stare and sometimes talk to our shirts. This has resulted in a 500% increase in plaid-wearing by the adults in the house.
• Swaddling. She tries to fight me on this, but I'm her mother and I know best. We've been using sleep sacks during naps and at night, we break out the big guns, the Woombie (Nicole)! I love this swaddle for many things, but mainly for the absence of flaps and velcro. Baby girl can't hulk her way out of this one! Zippers all the way.
• Her toys and swing. She's noticing her million little toys, especially when hanging in front of her head. It's hilarious and adorable. Additionally, I love the swing because it gives me at least 10 minutes of freedom to eat with both hands, take care of basic hygiene, and pay bills. You know, the really fun stuff.

Millie hates:

• Naps in her crib. This has gotten better with the swaddles, but she still prefers being held or worn for napping. Nap time ranges anywhere from 15 minutes to 1.5 hours (the best 1.5 hours ever).
• Bathtime. Nothing makes me feel like I'm abusing my child quite like bathing her. She screams and cries until her face is red, resulting in very short baths. This begs the question, is my child really clean? 

Randoms:

• We love Mille's pediatrician. She is so calm and reassuring. The day of her 2 month appointment was a turning point for us. After talking to her doctor, we started supplementing with formula, which has been huge. Breastfeeding was going well, but the constant nursing and pumping and equipment washing was stressful and in the end I'd only pump maybe 1.5 ounces during those sessions. I was so obsessed with building a supply for when I go back to work. Getting the go-ahead to supplement lifted a heavy, pump-shaped burden off my life.  I was expecting to feel guilty or selfish about supplementing, and part of me still does. BUT I'm more relaxed and actually enjoy the times I breastfeed now that we're supplementing. Also, I don't think using formula will turn my baby into a morbidly obese failure later in her life versus if I'd exclusively breastfed for a year like I'd planned. According to both Zach's and my mothers, we and our siblings were formula babies. We all turned out (mostly) ok!
• Once again, our friends come to our rescue and save us from the brink of insanity. Thank you to my sisters for supporting me and putting up with my crazy rambling text messages; to Leigh Ann and Amanda "I blocked the first two months of Evie's life from my memory because it sucked so badly" Alano for listening to me; to Melissa and Nicole for reading, the reassurance, and the advice--OMG THANK YOU, to Julie, Meagan, our families and everyone else who support us. This is like my oscars speech! Even though I know y'all won't comment, I love all of you! 
• I once read motherhood described as "the biggest, most exclusive, and most coveted club membership in the world." At the time it seemed like a funny way to describe being a mom, but I get it now. I've been indoctrinated. I thought I knew the club secrets before officially joining, but it was really more like rumors of secrets. But now, I Know The Secrets, and fellow members will keep revealing them to me as my child grows, and it's my duty and privilege to share the secrets as I learn them. It's such a strange, exhausting, and magical thing.

Pictures!

Babbling away!

My heart bursts every time she smiles at me! Usually 30 seconds after the smiles comes spit up, screaming, poop, etc. but we deal.

She is so funny in her swing and stares up at the mobile like it's her first time seeing it.

Zach put her in his hoodie and of course he says she looks like a Jedi.