Nine

*2nd in a series called, "How Many Posts can I cram in before 2015?"

Although my graduation from pregnancy into full-fledged parenthood is still in its infancy (get it?!) I already sense memories of those 9 months starting to soften and fade.  In a lot of ways I’m sad this first pregnancy is in the books, and I want to take a moment to reflect the month-by-month goodness, badness, and ugliness. But mostly goodness, just because of the end result.

February

February shouldn’t count because I had no idea I was even pregnant. What I remember about February: it was a really busy month. I attended a special education conference in Nashville, where I didn’t sleep well but managed to go to the outlet mall. I attended another conference, albeit local, literally the day after driving home from Nashville. Zach and I went to Allison, Arkansas to cheer on some friends ran the Sylamore trail race. I’d registered for the race but eventually decided to skip the part where I actually had to run. I did, however, really want the sweatshirt and no amount of polar vortex was going to keep me from picking up and wearing a sweatshirt I didn’t earn. I also went to a bachelorette party in Greenwood MS. Towards the end of the month, I was exhausted and not sleeping well. I almost fell asleep during our school’s Black History Month program. Maybe I did fall asleep? Anyway, I didn’t get my period this month but my cycle becomes irregular when I’m stressed/exhausted/not sleeping. Wasn’t worried.

March

The face of a clueless woman-child. This was in London, after we went to the department store Selfridges pretending to be shoppers but we really just needed to use the restrooms. I got really dizzy and thought it was just hunger. We are at a restaurant called Wagamama's.

One of my dreams came true this month. I went to London! This experience was nearly wiped from my memory upon coming home and discovering  I was with child. London was everything I dreamed it would be, but I felt “off” the entire time—which I attributed to jet lag, really horrible coffee, and generally being fatigued from the previous month’s activities. 

Goofing at the Tower of London

I had some horrible cramping on the flight home, which made me believe my cycle was on its merry way. On March 16, I realized it had been almost 2 months since I’d gotten my period. Still not worried about it, I went to Walgreens, picked up a pregnancy test, some magazines, and new nail polish. Took the test. Watched in a state of shock, amazement, and horror as both lines on the test turned blue. Commence the panic and tears, was reassured by my husband that we could actually do this whole ‘raising a child’ business, went to church and prayed frantically for a healthy pregnancy and baby, spent the rest of the day and the rest of the month freaking out but pretending that everything was normal.

April

Surprise, you're gonna be a grandma!

Still freaked out. Presented my parents with the ultrasound picture over Chinese buffet, which was really fun. We very slowly began to tell our family and close friends about the pregnancy. I kept up the ruse of “everything is totally normal and fine” this month. Was a bridesmaid in a wedding at 12 weeks pregnant and drank decaf coffee at the rehearsal dinner. Wondered if anyone noticed. Zach and I also went to Nashville for a quick trip, where I ate the most amazing burger at Fido. I still think about this burger. Coordinated standardized tests at work, which was exhausting. I ate a lot of McDonalds’ sausage biscuits that week. Argued with middle school students about whether or not they’d actually ordered the sausage egg McMuffin or the biscuit. I know it’s a random thing to remember, but it seriously wiped my energy. “But here’s your form and you ordered the McMuffin! See?!” And I really did end up eating a lot of leftover biscuits. Zach and I went to a fancy fundraiser for the diocese, and I only went to the dessert stations.

May

Took this picture on May 6, my birthday.

The end of the school year is always insane, but by then the students and faculty knew I was pregnant. Everyone was so happy and excited. It was really humbling. I chaperoned the 8th grade class trip to Branson, an experience which I now treasure. Those kids were (are) so special to me! On our last day of school, we took the good behavior kids bowling. I ordered a huge bowl of rotel and chips (it was 9 am) and ate the entire thing. The baby thoroughly enjoyed it. When I got home that day, I crawled into bed and passed out.

And this picture was taken May 29th, just for reference. Ignore the crap on the bed and focus on the fact that my belly popped sometime in May.

June

I remember taking this picture and thinking I looked huge. HAHAHAHA

June was my power month! Everything they say about the 2nd trimester being the sweet spot of pregnancy is totally true. My skin looked good, I had a ton of energy, cooked real meals for my husband. I baked a lot of items with blueberries, because every Wednesday I’d truck over to the farmer’s market to load up on blueberries.  I also started cleaning the house to make room for the baby. We found out the baby’s sex this month and settled on a name. For some reason, I wanted an “E” name for a girl. Some of the contenders: Emma (love it, but it’s really, really popular and she might have been one of eleven ‘Emma B’s in her school; Elise (we almost went with this one, but it didn’t feel right); Emmanuelle (which means, “God is with us,” and what is better than GOD BEING WITH YOU? Emmanuelle was also the name of Melanie Laurent’s totally badass character in “Inglorious Basterds”, which sold Zach on the name. My qualms with this name were 1. I had a male student named Emmanuel. He was a good student, but I was worried people would think it was a boy name, and 2. Apparently there is a series of 70s’ French soft-core porn movies by that name. HELL NO. I thought of the name Emilia while driving and ran it by Zach, who liked it. Done! We could’ve gone with the ‘Amelia’ spelling, but I’m just contrarian by nature. Also, the A spelling reminds me of Amelia Bedilia, who annoyed me growing up even though I’m pretty sure I read every single one of those books. I suppose it’s a good way to teach kids about literal and figurative language. We decided on the middle name Marisol because it combined out mothers’ names.  

July

July was an extension of June. Still felt pretty darn good this month. Hung out a lot with my mom, started to get Millie’s room ready, and generally savored the last few weeks before work began. I started to really show this month in that "did you put a basketball under your shirt" sort of way.

August

August with still one trillion weeks left

August was strange, as there were some pretty significant changes to my job situation. The first half of the month was spent in limbo waiting for things beyond my control to work themselves out (i.e., paperwork) so I just sort of held tight. It was a pretty emotional time. I also began to physically feel very, very pregnant. I had the waddle happening. Arms, legs, and face looked bloated. My mobility was becoming limited. Millie’s feet were lodged somewhere by my ribs, making it very difficult to breathe. I distinctly remember thinking, “I can’t believe I have 10 more weeks of this!” Work served as a pretty decent distraction.

That magical time when my butt and belly were roughly the same size. I spent a lot of time at TJ Maxx when I was pregnant.

September

I told a friend, whose due date was two days after my own, I believed once September rolled around things would go by quickly. I was right and also wrong. Like a crazy person, I scheduled a ton of activities for the month (book club, a work conference, a class on Pope Francis, a class about breastfeeding). My logic was that if I was busy, the month would fly by and boom! October = baby. All the activities and running around mostly made me more tired than I already was. However, we did have friends and family throw us baby showers the last weeks of September. It was so, so special to have people from different aspects of your life come together for you and your baby. Zach and I always marvel how amazing our people are to us, and how we are like the cranky, old “Get off my lawn” couple. Goal for 2015: Be better friends to our friends and better family to our family

I love everyone in this picture.

Didn't get a picture with everyone at this shower, but I also love them.

Shout-out to the Filipino aunties! Now who wants to baby-sit?!

Mom caught us in the act of being obnoxious.

Food!!!

October

Finally! Baby month! Except baby month was marred by the development of a rash which effectively canceled out my easy pregnancy. Who would’ve thought a rash could be so devastating? One afternoon I noticed a few itchy bumps on my hand. These bumps progressively got worse over the next several days, to the point where they began to weep and blister. My doctor, who initially thought it was PUPPS, referred me to a dermatologist after I’d gone to her twice in 3 days. I had a biopsy done and the diagnosis was a pregnancy-induced auto-immune disease. What made it worse was that this disease was so rare that there was hardly any research on it. Doubly awesome. I was put on a stress dose of steroids to calm the itching and dry up the blisters. The rash was worst the weekend my sisters and brother-in-law came to town to throw us a shower. It (very) gradually began to improve, but my OB was concerned about the effects of the steroids and wanted to schedule an induction for 39 weeks. This set off a weird battle royale between my doctor and the hospital about the medicine they use to induce labor, blah blah. Not to mention I felt like a gigantic water balloon. Several times I noticed people staring at me; I’m talking about open-mouthed, gaping stares. These stares were mostly from older men (probably feral, have never seen a pregnant woman before in their lives) and young-ish women who have yet to experience the joy of carrying a pumpkin-sized object in their uteri. Pregnancy really turns women into public domain—strangers asking personal questions, demanding to know the due date/name/sex, telling your about how they had gestational diabetes and pre-enclampsia and an emergency c-section and their baby ended up in the NICU while you just smile and nod. Basically the last month of my pregnancy, with the exception of getting to see my family, was pretty strange and miserable. I was barely sleeping, waking up at 3 in the morning scratching my body like an insane monkey, and taking the coldest showers I could stand at all hours of the night and day. I was so ready to meet my baby.

There it is. 9 months in 9 grammatically and punctuation challenged paragraphs. It was fun to recall and write about what happened each of those months, because now that it’s over, it feels like it flew by in a flash. And I got the best reward for enduring those 9 months!

Into the Ether: Month One

OH HEY GIRL.

"You have no idea what's coming at you."

"It's the hardest thing and the best thing you will ever do."

"There is no payoff for 4 months."

"You are going to do so much laundry."

Those are some nuggets of wisdom from friends of ours who are or recently became parents. Pre-birth, it bothered Zach and me how downbeat most of our newly minted parent friends seemed. But alas, they were right. It's my fault: I bought into the picture of motherhood offered by the media, both traditional and social. Isn't parenthood sunkissed images of a napping newborn, sipping tea and reading books while breastfeeding in an oversized comfy chair, swaddling a serene baby in a chic, organic blanket, and long walks as a family of 3, all of us smiling beatifically?

Emilia's first month into the world was about 25% picture perfect, and 75% terrifying roller coaster ride. I'm pretty sure I have PTSD when walking into her room; I haven't sat in the rocking chair to nurse her in weeks because I have flashbacks of nighttime feedings during our first nights back home from the hospital.

When people ask me how it's going, I've been telling them the truth: "It's been rough! But we love her!" I'm not lying. However, "rough" is an understatement when it comes to the first month. I fully understand the downbeat-ness of my friends. I foolishly believed becoming a parent would be an adjustment, like a pair of pants that needed to be hemmed. In actuality, it's been like having my DNA rearranged.

Confession: I was never one of those women who dreamed of being a mom. I have friends and know women who've always wanted to raise children since they were little girls. Not me. I thought it would happen eventually, and knew I wanted to have a family with Zach, but it wasn't a focal point in our lives. Maybe that's why this transition has been so difficult. I feel so guilty for saying I miss my "old life," but I do! A partial list of things I miss: SLEEP, quiet, free time, talking with my husband as opposed to shouting at him over the baby crying, my hobby collection, energy, being able to use both my hands, taking my time with anything. I miss my work and my co-workers and students. I think about work a lot. I feel guilty about thinking about work. And I also feel guilty that I'll eventually go back and leave my daughter with a daycare or nanny. I feel guilty any time I leave her, especially if it involves "Me" time, like going to my doctor or the gym. Especially to the gym, because it makes me feel shallow. So many layers to the guilt.

I fully realize how dramatic and ungrateful I am sound. People (people I trust!) tell me it gets better, and I believe them. It's just been hard. But I have learned so much the past 6 weeks, and not just about babies and motherhood. I've learned about patience. Sacrifice. Resilience. The best part is I now know what true love is. I feel it. I have been the recipient so many times the past few weeks.

Tidbits about my little Millie and our 1 Month Experience:

• She loves to be held. LOVES IT. So much that she screams when being put down to sleep; consequently, no one in this house was getting any sleep. Right now, Mills is sleeping in her carseat most of the time, That is, when she isn't sleeping on me. According to her doctor, she wants security and the crib feels to big for her; she also doesn't like sleeping on her back. Apparently she should outgrow this crib issue? Fingers crossed.

• Around the 3rd week, Millie's fussiness reached new heights. Basically, when she wasn't nursing or sleeping, she was crying and screaming inconsolably. This happened all night and day. During the day it was somewhat manageable, but I think it's because she sepnt half the night before screaming nonstop, therefore tiring herself out for a few hours each morning. All of this was accompanied by constant spitting up and hiccups. Short story: she has reflux and is now taking Zantac. My poor babe is like an old man already.

Milk drunk

I know (hope? pray? PLEASE GOD) we will eventually get into a routine. All of this will feel "normal." Truthfully, I feel so much better now a month and a half out than I did those first few weeks. I am excited about the future (really!). Zach and I talk about taking Millie to our favorite places. to the park, to meet her tiny little future friends, reading books, visiting her aunts and uncles. I have faith things will get better, because they already have. Now, if only she would sleep somewhere other than my arm for like an hour. I'm not picky. An hour will do!

Some good things so the internet doesn't think I'm totally miserable/ ungrateful/homicidal/suicidal/insane:

• When Millie is having a good day, when she's chatting and playing with me, it's the best thing in the world. I could play with her forever! 
• She also holds grudges. The other day I laid her in the crib so I could use the bathroom, eat, and clean a little so my house doesn't look like a bombsite. She wailed the entire time, then when I put her in the boba and apologized to her, she wouldn't look at me. I am okay with her being discerning and suspicious. It will help her to not be taken advantage of later in life.
• Millster is also sensitive. She's a light sleeper and will wake up if the door opens. If I hand her over to Zach she will cry if she feels it was a rough handoff. That's ok too. She can be sensitive as long as she is also discerning.
• Before she was born, I would talk to her and call her Millie Vanilli. Now I call her Millie Bean or Millie Burrito. 
• Right now she's not too interested in books, but she loves looking at lights, sounds, the boba wrap (thanks Aunt Christina!) and the internet. Yay?

I love my husband and our parents so much. I could not have survived the past month and a half without them. When I wrote that I know what true love is, this is what I meant:

• I have the best husband in the world. Even though he works long hours and has been stretched thin at his job, he comes home and always takes the wailing infant from me, makes dinner, forces me to get out of the house to meet friends, tells me I'm beautiful even though I haven't showered, brushed my teeth, and have been wearing the same thing for 3 days in a row. He's been the voice of reason during the 2 a.m. crying spells (baby's, mine) He's the BEST.
• We could not have survived the past several weeks without our parents. It's amazing to me now that I am a mother (what?!) how our parents are still raising us, feeding us, sheltering us, and basically teaching us what love is, what it means to be someone's parent. They have done everything for us. Case in point:
• Z's mom comes over after long days of working with kids, to watch/calm our child while we eat/sleep/breathe oxygen outside the house. She is a baby whisperer and Millie loves talking and laughing with her. She probably gets the most conversation out of her.
• We basically live part-time at my parents house and they are always so excited to see us. By us, I mean, their grandchild. It's pretty cute. They take care of her at all hours of the night, even driving to Walgreens at midnight to pick up her medicine. If that's not love, I don't know what it. It's so humbling. I'm also grateful they haven't committed me to a mental hospital during one of my epic meltdowns. Since I know my mom has been waiting patiently for me to post something: THANK YOU MOM AND DAD, I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU and so does Millie and Zach.

Every day is a learning experience as we get to know our daughter a little more. It's so much fun to watch her grow and change. It's happening so fast and we cherishing the sweet moments with her.  

*So sad that Millie is almost 2 months and I'm just now publishing her first month update. I have other posts written, but alas, it's hard to find time to finish/edit them when I have a little munchkin stuck to my arm/shoulder/boob. You know.