Life

A few years ago I took a course on group counseling theory. Part of the requirement was to actually partake in group therapy with our classmates. Random, but fortunately my group was really cohesive. One classmate had recently lost her grandmother to cancer; since my own grandmother died a few months earlier I was able to share some of my grieving with her. It's an interesting thing, helping someone with her grief when you are also going through the process.

Late last week I learned my classmate's brother suddenly died. This news really affected me. He was the same age as my sister Ronni, and weirdly enough she knew him through Bridge Builders. The world seems so small sometimes. I can't even let myself imagine what she's going through right now. It's too much.

Late last week I was thinking about contracts, why I can't keep plants alive, if I can find cheaper airfare out of Nashville, wondering if my car needs an oil change (it probably does). Hearing about my classmate's brother put things into perspective: most of what I stress about is pointless. It's important, but at the same time, it isn't. I hate it took sad news to make me re-examine my attitude and to appreciate everything--everyone--in my life.  I pray my friend's family finds answers, and in time, peace.

As for myself, it's not possible to put everyone I love in a bubble. I guess I'll just try to be my best self. The best wife, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker. That's all I can do, right? Just hope things turn out for the best, and expect it will be fine. It usually is.

Sometimes I get a little too "Dear Diary" on this blog. Mostly I like to just write about fun stuff but I'll always have a little bit of the emo in me. I can't not think about things and wonder what it all means! It's a work in progress. Meanwhile, back to our regularly scheduled programming: pictures of coffee and nail polish...

Thing that made me go, "Hmm."

My all-time favorite book has been Moulin Rouge-ified.

Thoughts:

• Leo needs to lighten up a bit. Maybe a romantic comedy? Something with Will Ferrell? I think he's a good actor, but I also think Ryan "Hey Girl" Gosling would've been perfect to play Gatsby. Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Nick Carraway. Emma Stone or Natalie Portman in a blond wig as Daisy. Orrrrr....a Latino version with Gael Garcia Bernal as Gatsby and Diego Luna as Nick?! Who's with me? I'm adding 'casting director' to my possible career list.
• I liked the little clip with the shirts. Gatsby and his shirts. The art deco font is awesome. One thing this movie undoubtedly has going for it is really great costumes.
• Broken record alert-- it looks too much like Moulin Rouge! The music, dancing, the brightness, even the aerial shots of the crowd. I was half expecting Nicole Kidman to drop out on a trapeze. And what's with the auto-tune? I shudder to think.
• Despite my bitching, I'm probably going to see this in the theater. I'm way too curious not to. It will be like watching those horrible "Sex and the City" movies--I had to do it. 
• What it comes down to is this: I'm afraid someone else's interpretation will cast a shadow on my experience of this book. The next time I read it, will I see the Baz Luhrman version in my mind, or my version? There is so much detail and nuance in the book which is hard to capture on film (see: Robert Redford). Who knows, maybe I'll like it. I want to like it. I'll always like the book more.

It's More Fun When You're Filipino

The look on Zach's face says it all.

As long as I've lived in Memphis, each year the city honors a different country during May. In 2012, they (finally) honored the Philippines, much to the delight of all Filipinos in the area. As I suspected, my kababayan took the opportunity to throw a month-long party. On Thursday my mom, Zach, and I went to the Santacruzan, which is a super-Catholic, Filipino beauty pageant. (It's the best way I know how to describe it.) I've been to many a Santacruzan, but this one was really special and spectacular.

This event was really a cultural celebration, with food, folk dances, singing, and traditional costumes.

I could feel the pride in the room, and it was so nice to be a part of this group--one I've been a part of my whole life, but only in the past few years have really grown to appreciate and understand. When I was younger I was dragged to these events, mostly kicking, screaming, and sulking the entire time. Exhibit A:

Glare.

Could I look any less pleased to be randomly dressed as an angel? At least the girl in the blue sash seems to be having fun. I have vague memories of this: mom dressing Christina and I in white dresses, wings, and pinning tinsel halos to our hair, instructing us to walk with other similarly dressed girls. I had no idea what was happening.

Christina, itching to rip off that halo.

When I was 9 or 10--can't remember, Christina, help a sister out-- the Filipino community put on a big production, teaching all the kids traditional dances. For several weekends, my mom's life was consumed with tinikling rehearsals...for one daughter. Guess which one emphatically, categorically refused to participate?

That would be the girl in the rolled-up jeans(!), watching on the piano bench. I wanted to be the contrarian, the lone dissenter; my stance was that you couldn't make me do something Filipino just because I am one. Thank goodness Christina stepped up on this. In my defense, I'm a horrible dancer.

Christina, taking one for the sister-team.

My parents, especially mom, were very lucky that Ronni was super-game for everything. She not only learned and performed all of the folk dances in public, but was elevated to Reyna for the Santacruzan (I obviously did not get that far.)

Smiles!

Looking beatific and Kate Middleton-esque.

Ronni is the Pinoy Pride daughter my parents always wanted. Thank you RonBonne, for redeeming the J sisters.

I do feel a *little* regret for not participating more in these things when I was younger. It's more of a wistfulness than anything else. Being Filipino is who I am. How can I honor a country and a culture which has so much to do with my life, my blood, my identity? Well, Zach and I have already decided if we have a little girl one day, we are dressing her in yellow and making her learn the itik-itik.

Or maybe I'll just get the Filipino flag tattooed on my arm....kidding!

Bullet points with butterfly wings

• Z and I watched some criterium races last week. This is like our NASCAR. Over the past few years we have become disillusioned by professional and college sports, so we keep up with the fringe sports. Take cycling for example. It's sort of like following the NCAA, except European and doping is the open secret (not paying recruits or taking their SATs for them DerrickRosejustsaying). These were local athletes, some of whom are Zach's friends. They are really fast and impressive. 

• We also went to the Dixon Gallery with some friends for a symphony performance in the gardens. It rained and we were running late, so we missed the music. We did, however, set up our picnic outside.

I love this sweet couple dancing to the music. 

Me and my uberstylish friend Ramla.

• I made dinner! This is a significant step for my marriage.

Rice, mango and tomato salsa, and catfish--baked for Zach, fried for me!

When Zach and I first started dating, I really loved to cook. I was constantly finding recipes to try and forcing him to eat my experiments. Sadly my enthusiasm and energy for cooking has waned for the past couple of years. Example dinner from Thursday: leftover barbecue from my parents, string cheese, leftover cake. I'm not sure what Zach ate because we agreed to fend for ourselves. The poor guy is lucky if I can find the can opener. I really hope to get some cooking mojo back this summer; we even talked about getting cable again so I could watch the Food Network. That makes me both happy (Ina Garten!) and sad (failing at the wife thing and need to be bribed by cable). My chef-centric friends and family need to help me!

• Friday was National Ride to Work Day, and a co-worker and I rode our bikes to school together. This was so much fun, and not as scary as I thought it would be.

The gentleman on the left side of the picture is in charge of bicycling initiatives (i.e., lanes, grant money) for the city, and he rode with us downtown. We got to work and back home safely. Hi, Mom! By the way, my coworker, who teaches Kindergarten, is awesome. She's done 100-mile rides for charity, and it was her idea for us to participate.

• Field Day!

Even with bouncy houses, basketball courts, and a ton of games, the students were most excited about line dancing. Despite the weirdness of the past year, I've gotten to know and love some really sweet, funny, and creative kids. I wish I could dance half as well they can! I did entertain them by singing along to Justin Bieber. It was my pre-summer gift to them.

For Mother

For being a mommy to us.

For reading us books.

For teaching us how to cook, sew, do laundry, and wash dishes by hand.

For taking us to libraries and bookstores.

For waking us up at 4 am to look at a comet.

For being our chauffeur to everything everywhere.

For supporting our hopes and dreams, even if you thought they were crazy.

For letting us pick our our own patterns and fabric.

For letting me overcook the lasagna in the oven because I liked the cheese burned and crispy.

For allowing us to mix Quik chocolate milk mix with rice and callling it dinner.

For birthday parties at McDonald's and Pizza Hut.

For disciplining us and telling us, "No."

For introducing us to The Beatles, Hall & Oates, ABBA, Carly Simon, Evita!, the Apo Hiking Society...

For forcing us to find jobs.

For finding us said jobs.

For footing the bill even though we had jobs.

For making me hem my own pants.

For praying for us.

For helping us move across states.

For still claiming me as your offspring even when I have public meltdowns at age 31.

For listening.

For making breakfasts.

For letting me permanently borrow your jewelry and purses.

For being a role model.

For all the things you did for us which only you know.

For still being my mommy! I love you Nanay!

Still looks this good too! (Is this dress still around?)

Seis de Mayo

I still get irrationally excited about birthdays, even though I'm not 7 years old. It's just nice to have a special day when you can indulge and just have fun. It's the best and most socially acceptable excuse to spoil yourself.

While everyone was drinking margaritas for Cinco de Mayo, we stayed at home and made my secret random favorite meal: chicken rotel spaghetti.

Zach's mom made this once and we devoured the whole thing in about 5 to 7 minutes. We didn't actually have rotel in the house, but we did have a can of pickled jalapenos, tomatoes, onions, chicken, frozen vegetables and spaghetti. I think it turned out fine, plus there were enough leftovers to pack for my lunch--this was really exciting for me.

On Sunday we rode our bikes on the Greenline. We tried to take a "jumping" picture by the mural, and sadly this was the best one. We couldn't agree on the "1-2-3-jump!" or "1-2-jump on 3!" I am a "1-2-3-jump" kinda gal, but I married someone who is a "1-2-jump on 3." I have never typed the word "jump" so many times, and in quotation marks nonetheless. Jump.

Honey black milk tea with my new favorite: shrimp and chive dumplings.

For lunch we met my parents for dim sum and bubble tea, followed by a matinee of The Avengers. I'm pretty lame when it comes to movies--I don't like really intense movies which stress me out (this eliminates about 75% of films), movies wherein someone dies, or really depressing, abstract indie films. I feel there is a Venn diagram in all of this: Genres of Film Rosie Doesn't Like. Anyway, I just want to laugh/not think when watching movies because basically I'm already intense/think too much/need to relax. The point is, I loved The Avengers--it was fun, funny, not realistic, not much thinking involved. Plus, my mom is really into Thor and Captain America, so she got a kick out of seeing it on opening weekend.

Misleading.

After the movie I met up with mah ladies April and Leigh Ann for margaritas. It was pretty low-key, until the waiter showed up with a huge sombrero and a shot of tequila. I can't shoot tequila (unless I feel like vomiting for the next 12 hours--I'm not 22 anymore), so April took one for the team. And I got a plate of whipped cream on my nose. Awesome!

My lovely day ended by watching Sherlock Holmes on PBS Masterpiece with Zach. I can't follow the plotlines to save my life (the accents!) but we really like this modern version. Zach has read several of the novels, and I've read The Hound of the Baskervilles...which is going to be the episode on Sunday! Yay!

For Christina and my mom: something completely unrelated to my birthday. Memphis finally got a cute fabric store! It just opened a week ago in a converted house. The space is so bright and happy, the owner is incredibly nice/cool (I have a girl crush on her), and they have a schedule of classes, including quilting.  Right now they are selling cottons  but hope to expand to other fabrics.

I want to airlift this room into my house and live in it.

A peek into the sewing lab--people can bring in their sewing machines and they provide wine.  Wine. Incredible. I would probably stitch through my finger if I tried to operate a machine and drink at the same time.

The year of 30

The last 12 months have been filled with personal milestones, lots of happiness, some low points, but mostly high ones. The main thing is my 30th year was full of love. I can honestly say I thank God every day for my life. It's the best.

- (Finally) graduated with my master's degree and became licensed to do something other than drive a car!

I always see those bumper stickers with random letters on them. Now, I am One of Them. 

- Had a summer of "funemployment." Highlight: painting the living room in one day.

Post-makeover, or "de-Ronnified." Love you, sister!

I'm not sure what's happening in this. But Picasa is really being stupid and not  letting me upload any pictures from my "Summer 2011" album...except for this one. I need a new photo storage site.

- Said "See ya later" to Ronni. She's the second sister I've lost to Austin, TX! Is the universe trying to tell me something?

Sisters cheesing it up Austin style for the camera.

- Said "Goodbye" to Mrs. McCrory, our beloved piano teacher. She was like a member of our family--it was like losing a grandmother. I miss her.

We had the best piano teacher ever. She was so much more than a teacher to me!

- Ran a lot.

After years of wanting running to be fun, it finally happened at 30. Most of the time. Like 50% of the time actually. It's still a good percentage.

- Did some light traveling. Plans for heavier traveling are in the works for 31.

Most of the travels were to Texas. I'm not complaining though, it's always nice to go somewhere.

- Ate a lot of food!

I ate a lot of takeout, but didn't do a lot of cooking at 30. Will get back to it at 31.

-Laughs + fun = my friends and family.

This might be my favorite collage.

- Married my man and starting a new chapter of life together!

Bring it, 31. I'm so ready.


*Also thank you for the encouraging comments after the last post. I really do enjoy (parts) of my job! Plus, I realize how incredibly fortunate I am to even be able to work, especially as a school counselor. We are expendable, and jobs are hard to come by these days. When I have perspective and am not so emotional, I know it comes down to this particular situation not being a good fit for me. It's like wearing a pair of really, really tight jeans every single day. (Actually, just twice a week.) It's uncomfortable, irritating, and doesn't make me feel good, but I can't take them off because I'll be pants-less (broke). So, I'm not giving up just yet...hopefully I'll find a better, more comfy pair of jeans.*

Career counseling

Last Thursday I wrote a post about my job. I was frustrated, tired, angry, and felt like giving up. I've felt this way since August. The post is marked as a draft. I probably won't publish it, ever.

Writing it was more of a catharsis for me than anything else. I'll talk about my situation with friends and family, but putting it on the internet for people to stumble upon felt wrong. Out of respect for others, including the students, I'm keeping my thoughts to myself!

I will say the following: this year has been a struggle. Early on I had a gut feeling this situation (no longer referring to it as "a job" because it's really the situation which bothers me) was not a right fit. I kept hoping it would improve and took steps to change things. Nothing happened. In a strange way, it got worse. The lack of support in my situation makes being positive and wanting to do well a struggle. There's the word again: struggle. I felt like giving up so many times. Just picking up my things and walking out of the door.  Actual text to my friend Leigh Ann: "The stress from this job is killing my viable eggs."

I still don't know how or if I'm going to make it the last 4 weeks. And I don't know what will happen next school year--this scares me. I'm just hoping this experience isn't for naught, maybe some growth and new opportunities will come from all of this.
                                                                   ***
One of the things I do at work is teach kids about careers. Even though my students are probably too young to fully connect actual jobs with what they're learning in class, I introduce them to different careers and encourage them to explore their interests. I've always been fascinated by careers. It kind of stinks how we are expected to choose a singular career path and can't have 8 different jobs just because we think they'd be cool and interesting. For example, an FBI agent. Pretty sure that ship has sailed for me, but how awesome would it be to be an FBI agent?! Maybe that's why I'm so gung-ho about career stuff and exploring things vicariously through the students. It's fun to wonder, "What if I did this? Or chose that?"

Just for my own amusement, I've taken a trip down career trajectory lane. I'm on a bit of a nostalgia kick right now--and I just don't want to forget anything. Life suddenly seems to be moving at warp-speed and my memory is becoming more selective. Plus, there are some random careers and jobs I find interesting. And wouldn't mind doing, in case this whole school counselor thing doesn't work.

1) Ice cream scooper

This was the first job I remember wanting. It all started at Baskin Robbins, and watching the person behind the counter scoop out the ice cream from the tub. I was maybe 4 years old. Mom claims I wanted to work at McDonald's, but I don't remember thinking it, so it doesn't count. I think I'll eat some ice cream right now.

2) Writer/Novelist/Journalist

My leaning tower of books

Ah, my first job-love. This is the one that got away. As soon as I realized how much reading gave me joy (probably around age 6), I wanted to be a writer. I just love words and grammar and getting lost in a book. As I grew older my interest changed to journalism...but it waned in college and I changed majors. I don't regret not being a journalist though. I still love to write. Still love words. Especially love grammar.

3) Clerk at a drug rehab facility
I did this job for exactly 10 years to the month (May). Started when I was 18 and finally left at 28. I worked this position in college part-time, went full-time, went part-time concurrently with another job, etc. It gave me some useful office skills: how to use a multi-line telephone, to fax sheets facing down and copy sheets face-up, how to count cash really quickly, how not to sound super angry when answering a phone. Most important lesson: drugs are bad. Bad bad bad.

4) Optician assistant at an optical boutique

My favorite pair of glasses!

My favorite things about this job were using the eye machines and looking at cool frames all day long. It felt important and medical. Now when I go to the eye doctor all of the jargon makes sense. Oh yeah, and I made some great friends during my time there! I got some really awesome glasses too. I love my Anne et Valentin pair--too bad the lenses need a current Rx.

5) Affirmative Action administrative assistant at a large, metropolitan university

I have a lot of clerical skills--clerking is my fall-back position. I like to organize things, almost to the point of OCD. This job let me color-coordinate files and use a label maker. How I miss the label maker! Anyway, I really enjoyed working at a university and seeing the "business" side of higher education. Plus, this job was cushy. I didn't realize it until much later--there are so many perks of working at a college. I miss the Starbucks on campus, the 10% employee discount at the bookstore, the Chick-fil-A twenty yards from my office, the rec center membership, the fast internet access, the parking pass...oh my.

6) Cheese counter manager at Whole Foods

Ok, I've never actually had this job. But it would be fun to try cheese all day long! Like a party, and you are in charge of the cheese platter. Zach and I are a little obsessed with WF. We don't buy our groceries there, but we like to roam the aisles, pretend we are super-healthy through osmosis, and people watch. It really pleases my inner-hippie. Speaking of which...

7) Turquoise dealer/ professional crafter/ jewelry-maker
The turquoise dealer thing started out as a joke, when my sisters and I were talking about our personal styles. As in, clothing preferences. Shallow. Christina was "grandpa chic." Ronni = baby grandma. And I am a turquoise dealer from Sedona, AZ. This is from a realization that I have a tendency to dress like Stevie Nicks during her early Fleetwood Mac years.

Stevie, in a scarf. She was so pretty!

It may have been a joke, but lately I've been wondering exactly how one becomes a turquoise dealer. I quite like making jewelry. It's kind of relaxing and comes down to the fact I like pretty, shiny things like beads. Usually I just make necklaces and earrings as presents. If I were serious about making jewelry though, I'd want to be hard core about it, like Mociun or Satomi Kawakita. BUT, it would be so cool to have an Etsy shop. Making things is just personally fun and makes me feel productive.

8) Coffee shop owner

I don't play when it comes to the coffee! Zach's and my first official date: Starbucks. I'm so glad  my husband understands the coffee obsession.

This is another job I think would be fun, but in reality, is probably a lot more work than I'm willing to do. God knows I love a coffee shop. The smells, the sounds, the characters...it's like a place you can be alone, in public. You can hide behind a book or laptop, or socialize with the regulars. (This reminds me of my college years!) Anyway, I think the idea of hanging out a a coffee shop all day rules. The work, not so much.

9) College professor
The career I think most captures my "essence," (I can't believe I just wrote that, eek) is a professor. I love school, learning, researching and writing papers. It's good to be around like-minded people; maybe that's why it took me forever to get my master's degree--grad school was my own nerdy way of being social. But really, I love school. I wouldn't love having to defend a dissertation (I cry when someone is mean to me) or the "publish or perish" mentality. I want to be a college professor but not do the work to get there. This post is making me sound so lazy.

10) School counselor
I really like being a counselor and helping kids. It's been the most rewarding experience, despite the problems and difficulties this year. Even though I'm spent and at my absolute limit, I keep showing up every day, and it's because there's some small part of me which hopes I'm making a difference in someone's life. Even though my students are totally nuts, I care about them and just want them to have everything they want and need in life!

Sooo, if anyone is still actually reading this, thanks for sticking around to the bitter end! Again, this was just for my own reflection and trying to think about what is next for me. Work is just a really small part of who I am, and that's something I need to remember, like, ALL THE TIME.