These are my confessions

Disclaimer: I love my baby girl. Millie has taught me so much already about love, priorities, motherhood, childhood, and everything. She's brought so much joy to not only our lives, but our families. She is the apple of our own parents' eyes. My beloved, kooky, candid piano teacher once told me, "I think I love my grandkids more than my own children." At the time I was slightly horrified at her confession. But now as I watch my own mom with my baby, I understand and am totally fine with it. I love and appreciate my parents now more than ever. I love and appreciate my husband now more than ever. My heart is a million times bigger and my life is a million times better because of my chunky monkey.

HOWEVER:

• I had no idea it was possible to be so physically tired and still function. Or maybe I'm not functioning at all and my coworkers are extra patient with me because I look and act like a zombie.

• A couple of recent articles on parenthood resonated with me. I wasn't prepared for the emotional dichotomy of everyday life as a someone's mother. It's a comfort to know I'm not alone in feeling certain ways, but sometimes I still feel really alone. 

• Crying it out has been the worst and best decision Zach and I have made so far as parents. We do not have a baby book/google child. According to our pediatrician-baby books-google, it should've taken 3 or 4 days to get all of the crying out of her system and she should be conking out as soon as we put her in the crib. We are on our 2nd week of this business and it still takes about 30 minutes before she settles. (Though, last night it took a record 12 minutes. Fluke? Progress? I'm hoping it's the latter.) We're super mean and chose the cold turkey method over Ferberizing. If I go in there, I'll cave and Millie will end up sleeping in her car seat or in our bed. In order for this to work, it must be go big or go home. Nothing has ever made me feel like a worse human or hate existence more than crying it out. BUT when she's down for the night suddenly we are super competent and slightly more like our old selves. Zach and I can actually have non-baby related conversations. We watch TV. We still, however, fall asleep at 9:30.

• I fear I'll never again sleep through then night or past 4:36 a.m, plus or minus 5 minutes. Sleeping to 5 a.m. is a huge accomplishment; all the way to 6 is like winning the lottery. I don't know what to do with myself at 4:36. Exercise? Pray? Prepare food for the crock pot so we can actually eat dinner that isn't frozen pizza or cereal? Play with my phone? The answer is D, play with my phone.

• I want to be a morning exercise person. I even bought new workout clothes hoping they would inspire me. Nope. Despite my internal alarm of 4:36 a.m., I have no motivation to move more than what is absolutely necessary. Maybe one day.

• My immune system is currently out of order. This scares me.

• I have a terrible case of wanderlust right now. A few of the places I'm obsessing over right now: San Francisco, Joshua Tree, the beach (any beach will do, I'm not picky), London (always). We have a few small trips planned for the summer. I'm excited about taking Millie on vacations when she's a little older and can actually have experiences.

• What is better than online shopping? It's the best invention EVER. I can hear a UPS truck down the street. This is obviously a sign of a problem. 

• We want Millie to have siblings. Really. But I seriously wonder if and when I'll be ready to do this again.

• Over the past few months, Zach and I have gotten better about going with the flow of life. Our jobs have been hectic and all three of us have been or are currently (cough) in varying stages of illness, culminating in the baby's first fever conveniently coinciding with testing week at work. We had car issues. We rely on our parents a little too much right now. But I think we are doing okay. It's so weird how life is strange and changing all the time, and this is now normal. Is this what it means to be an adult?

  

  Truer words were never printed on a set of baby pajamas.

Millie at 6 Months

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Dear Monkey,

We made it to your half birthday! To celebrate, we gifted you with the opportunity to soothe yourself to sleep. In order to do this, you needed to cry it out in your room by yourself. I know you hated it, and we hate it too, but it was working. It was really working. That is, until you decided to thank us by coming down with your first fever. So, we will resume CIO when you are back to your usual happy self. Sorry, lil boo!

Sadness; tiny hospital gown

One day you might stumble across this little blog, so I thought it would be nice to tell you a little bit about yourself at 6 months.

• Easygoing. Chill. Laid-back. These are NOT words to describe your personality. Right now, the word which best captures your personality is Feisty. You will not rest (literally) until you have things your way. I admire this trait, but let me warn you: There is a new sheriff in town, and she is the old sheriff who also gave birth to you, but she finally wised up and made some policy changes. 

This was the "after" picture of a cry-it-out-at-naptime attempt.

Your daycare teachers have described you as determined. You, as Ms. Nicole said, will fight a nap. Her exact words: "She will take it to the last round." But when you aren't fighting sleep you're scooting all over the rug and playing with your tiny buddies.

It makes me sad that you won't remember your infant room experience. Your teachers love you so much! Hi, Ms. Nicole, Ms. Telisha, Ms. Sharon, Ms. Wanda, and Ms. Fatima! They helped you learn how to hold your bottle, how to sit up, how to crawl. Yes, you are crawling at 6 months. I think it's a "survival of the fittest" situation--must get the good toys. You have a little girlfriend you hug every day and a little ginger boyfriend. Your father hates him. I hope one day when you're older you'll run into each other and hit it off, and when you tell me about him, I'll say, "Wait a minute...what's his birthday?" (The babies' birth dates and pictures are on their drawers.) You'll tell me, and I'll say, "Are you kidding? You went to daycare with him!" And then we'll scream and jump up and down.

• Curious. You are as curious as you are feisty. You are constantly looking around and surveying your surroundings.  You are never still for very long. If something is in front of you, you are reaching or crawling towards it. One sunny afternoon we were walking back to the car and you were hanging out of my arms, staring at the ground. You were looking at our shadows.

You love this activity center. Too bad it isn't yours!

You're especially interested in whatever objects are in your dad's or my hands: phones, eating utensils, books, toothbrushes. One morning you stuck your hand in your papa's coffee cup. Thankfully, you didn't get burned. You love to pretend drink out of your tiny mug. One of my favorite things in the world is watching you explore. Last night you didn't want to sleep because you were too busy playing with the zipper on my hoodie. That is, until you found my water bottle.

Always trying to feed yourself!

• Sweet. I know all mamas say their babies are sweet, but you really do have the sweetest little heart. Picking you up from daycare is such a special part of my day because you smile so wide when you spot me. When you hear your papa at the door, you'll turn to look and will not look away until he comes inside. Then you grin your tiny big grin.

Even when you were sick, you were so excited to see both your grandmothers in the same room that you kept crawling back and forth between them. Sometimes I show you pictures from your daycare's facebook page and you smile and lunge at the phone when you see someone you recognize. You love to tell us all about your day, especially while we change your diaper.

First trip to Michael's. Yeeeee!!!!

Some other favorites:

Nothing sweeter than a baby transfixed by television.

• Avocados. Not so much a fan of bananas. I think this will change.
• Sophie the Giraffe, That's Not by Fox, Gossie, the books your Lola brought back from the Philippines
• Dinosaur Train, Maya and Yaya, Parks and Recreation. You always stop what your doing to watch Parks and Rec, maybe because we would have 2 am viewing parties back in the day.
• Mam pacifiers. Nothing else will do. I bought the slightly larger size of the same brand, but you aren't having it. Newborn paci it is!
• Your little flower teething barbell-looking toy, your rubber cupcakes, rattle Sophie and elephant, and bear teething toy

I am excited about all the adventures to come! Baby girl, we love you so much! 

xoxo,

Mommy