Thinks I'm thinging about

Let's get it out of the way: I am a liar. I will stop making promises to blog more, because clearly I can't handle the pressure.

I've wanted (and planned) to sit down and write because there have been so many thoughts and feelings jumbled up in my brain. Yet when I come home, there is no desire to sit in front of a computer. I spend probably half my work day in front of a screen.  I guess I could blog at work, but that would make me feel like a jerk. Today it occurred to me how I need to just sit down and write. It will be nice to have this all recorded for the future, when I will no doubt read it, laugh, roll my eyes, and possibly delete it into the ether.

A log of backlogged thoughts:

• I was very stressed out about angels for the first few weeks of August. My school has moved to a House system, not unlike Hogwarts and actual British boarding schools. This project is entirely my baby. I pitched the idea to my principal, she loved it, and then she put me in charge of overseeing the entire thing.

An actual office this year! I'm looking for a couch, because it would be awesome to have a couch like a real therapist.

Initially I was nervous about how this would be received, but it's gone very well. I've had a lot of fun planning it and training my 8th grade house captains. It's been very fulfilling so far. (Except for every Thursday, when I calculate all  the points for the past week. This project has pushed the limits of my Excel skills.)

Our school mascot is the angel, so our 6 houses are named after the archangels. Except only 3 angels are formally acknowledged by the Vatican! Horror! Our other 3 houses are named after rogue angels. I had to dip into Greek Orthodox and Coptic scriptures to pull information and images about my rogues. I was so very nervous about this and confessed my rogue sins to the principal. She assured me that Pope Francis would not be making a surprise visit to the school, and that the SACS committee doesn't have any angel scholars, and it was all going to be okay.

Also, is it bad to say I have a pope crush on Pope Francis? That is, I think he is awesome. (Not a real crush, people. I'm not sick.) I bet if he would visit my school if we wrote him a letter. Then of course we'd have to hide all evidence of our rogue angels. But something tells me he would be cool with it.

• Sometimes I feel my hair turning gray. It's an actual, physical feeling. So far no gray hairs on the top layers but no doubt they're lurking and waiting for the right moment to make their debuts.

• My husband is awesome. He's truly the best. The most patient and loving person when I don't deserve it.

Graciously modeling a necklace I made for his sister. 

We talk a lot about starting a family. And yes, I know we will never be ready. Yes, I know I'm not getting younger. But it's kind of sweet, just the two of us right now. I have felt a lot of pressure to get pregnant, some of it of my own making and some of it from other people. But there's a part of me which knows when it happens, we won't get this time back, that our lives are going to be different beyond anything we could expect, and if we are lucky enough to have children, we won't be able to remember our lives before them. I know it's a good thing, and probably why I'm savoring this time with Zach. I already say things like, "Remember when we started dating? When things were so easy and we didn't make spreadsheets about our bills and talk about insurance? When we couldn't wait to see each other every day, and we'd go for long, long walks and hang out and life was so easy?" 

So if we start a family, we'll probably look back at this time in our life together and say, "Remember when it was just the two of us and things were so easy? When we talked every week about cancelling Netflix to save money and never did it, and now we wish we did because it would've made a good college fund? When we would eat Mexican food every Friday and watch King of the Hill reruns and life was so easy?"

• I said I was going to cut back on running. It didn't happen, and running became fun again. But then it became too hot to exist. I had a membership to the University of Memphis gym for awhile, which is great except for the having to beat the train to get there. It was also insufferable during what I affectionately call "Bro:30," roughly 4:30-6:30, when the gym was overflowing with fraternity boys hogging all of the machines and weights. Unfortunately, Bro:30 is the most convenient time for me to work out. It was bad.

So we joined the Kroc Center, which is amazing. No more Bro:30! More like After-Work:30, which is a age appropriate and less grunty. I'm not hating on fraternity dudes (I married one). But even he was annoyed at Bro:30. 

The first thing we did after we joined the Kroc: hit the snack bar!

They have gyros!

• It's been a pretty rough few weeks for my family. I love my family so much and wish we lived closer. I'm dreaming of a fall visit. Fall in the northeast.

My family rules.

• It has been a pretty rough few weeks for the world. I get so overwhelmed by the news all over the world, in my city, and in my own little life. War, greed, crime, death = fear, sadness, hopelessness. I felt hollow--one second my mind was on chemical attacks. Then my thoughts would shift to my family and how cruel life could be. Just as quickly, I'd get annoyed that I didn't have enough fun money left this paycheck to have dinner with a friend. Hollow. Selfish.  In a really vulnerable moment, I prayed to see beauty and hope and happiness instead of the ugliness and pain that seemed to be everywhere, and that I'd stop being so shallow and ridiculous.

What do you know? In the following days, I saw all of the things I asked for--through my students. They are so energetic, well-meaning, and sweet, even when they are crazy. It made me feel like what I do matters and that I might be making a difference in someone's future. It was so nice. Now if only I could work on the shallow/ridiculous thing...