Resolutions for Year 2

Since March 2014--when I took The Test--I've had no idea what to do, and still mostly don't. I know about 5% more than I did this time last year. Now Millie is one and I often think about what I want for her childhood. A lot of what I wish for her begins with me. So, my resolutions for Millie's New Year:

1) Be more present.

We spent those first few months in major survival mode. (We are now in minor survival mode.) During the weeks leading up to her birthday I looked at pictures of her during the tiny newborn days, almost wishing I could re-live those moments.

Tiny Millie in her mittens. Also, terror.

 Almost. It was such a blur and so scary and new. I don't want to re-live the fear. Oh God, the fear.

No lie, looking through the newborn days pictures caused me to break into a sweat. So many flashbacks.

At the time she was so small it seemed she would stay that way forever.  Now she sticks her hands all up in my face, tries to grab my glasses, eats my food, and throws tantrums on the kitchen floor. It goes by so quickly; challenges come and go, replaced by new ones. We are lucky she is growing and so curious and active. I resolve to enjoy the enjoyable parts and not fixate too much on the frustration or whatever lies ahead (ahem, potty-training).

2) Don't spend too much time on my phone.

It would be helpful if I didn't make this resolution the same week I upgrade my phone. It's so shiny. Already Millie knows the power of the phone. She knows how to swipe. She presses the screen with her thumbs like she's texting. She puts rectangular objects up to her ear and babbles. It's pretty cute, but also a little...weird?

So grown.

I read this article and it hit a nerve. I don't want Millie to grow up with the memory of her mother fiddling non-stop with an iphone. It's disturbing to imagine what social media will be like when she's 18. Who would've ever thought the word 'catfish' would mean something other than actual catfish? Now I think about protecting my own child from cyberbullying and the weirdos on the internet. UGH. I hope by setting boundaries--at least when she can see me-- Millie will have at least the idea that real life > superstylized social media life. On that note...

3) Try to not compare myself to others.

It's like the Mommy Games out there! What did moms do before the internet to tell them they were doing it all wrong? I'm really trying not to get too caught up in all of it because it makes my head hurt.

4) Spend more time with my friends.

Miss these peeps!

I have awesome friends. They are called 'squads' now? I miss them. We are busy with our lives. Some of my friends are moms, some are married without children, some are dating, but ALL are amazing. I miss them. I resolve to reach out to them more often, to say hello and how are you doing and maybe if we are lucky we can get together. Have I mentioned how much I miss my awesome friends? I obviously need a GNO.

5) Read more.

I'm obsessed with Millie becoming a reader. When I was growing up, my sisters and I read all the time because my mom read all the time. Going to the library or bookstore was a big deal in our house. I believe with my whole heart and soul that if I hadn't loved reading, I would've grown up with a terrible attitude about school and been a poor student. I know this for a fact. I hated math but lived--lived--for reading. Because of this, grammar, vocabulary, and spelling all came pretty easily for me. I can't imagine what school would be like if you didn't care about any of the subjects or didn't have that one class you looked forward to every day. And, thank you mom for setting the example for us. Every day I see more and more how my parents, how my mom, shaped us. We really ended up doing everything you did--except for becoming a nurse. Sorry. We were more interested in fiction than science. And I say 'mom' because I'm a mom, I know my dad lived for us just as much as my mom. They are still parenting us to this day and I'm pretty sure Millie prefers her Lola to me.  Am I still talking about reading? Anyway, the point is I hope Millie sees me reading and it inspires her. (The other part of this resolution is to not read so much on the tablet, but actual, physical books.)

Yeah!

One!

Dear Monkey,

You are one year old! This is so bittersweet. I love watching you grow and discover your world. At the same time, I am shocked at how quickly time passes now.You've grown right in front of our eyes.

Looking guilty. I believe this is in line with Erikson's stages of socio-emotional development. In other words, you seem to pick up on social cues and for this I am very grateful.

We've had a lot of milestones lately. Walking! You never stop moving!

You move so quickly it is hard to get a clear picture of your walking.

You love to push buttons. Literally. I hope this is not some harbinger of the future. You can't walk by anything electronic without pushing the glowing buttons and occasionally turning off the computer while we use it. It's cool. That's why the cloud exists.

Caught on the monitor. I can't believe I left that toy within arm's reach of your crib. It has since been moved across the room.

You love to eat all time time and get angry when other people are eating and you're not. This is kind of disturbing but also understandable. You especially love beets (!), pumpkin, crackers, and smoothies.

Eating my dumplings.

You do not like when food is taken away from you, or when you finish something. It is unpleasant for everyone involved.

Always eating on the go.

You love smoothies. It's an easy way to get a ton of fruit and vegetables at once. Stick with this smoothie thing.

During Fall break we had some mommy-daughter dates. We ( by 'we' I mean 'you') ate muffins at our favorite breakfast places. And we took our first trip to the zoo, where you were more interested in watching people than animals.

Muffins with mom!

I had really high hopes that you'd be into all the animals, but you were mostly "meh" about it. People were definitely more interesting to you. Maybe you'll be an anthropologist.

We also visited the playground. Again, more interest in the other kids than the swings or slide, but this will probably change once you realize how awesome the slide is.

I love this playground!

We visited a pumpkin patch! You are a true Fall baby. Yay, October!

Tummy!

You picked out your own pumpkin. It's so adorable. You still carry it around with you.

Your birthday celebration was simple--dinner with your grandparents, French fries, and your first Muddy's cupcake. I am sorry for dropping the ball on this. I had grand designs of a birthday party by the playground, with donuts, bagels (lots of round things), orange juice, and coffee. Then I was all, "What if it rains?" Then we all got sick. And it actually did rain the weekend I had in mind, so it sort of worked out.

Don't worry, we'll throw down for your second birthday!

A couple of other things for my memory:

• You love round things--balls, rings, etc.
• You also really love banging things together to make noise
• Right now your language skills are picking up pretty rapidly. You can imitate sounds and some words. "Words" you've said or we've thought you've said: bear (?), bottle (?), monkey (?), Emilia (?), hi (?) We are waiting for some sort of context before declaring your official first word. 
• You love looking out of the window and running through the curtains
• You are definitely starting to imitate us--the other day you tried to climb on the barstool after your saw me do it. Hopefully you will be somewhat taller than me and climbing on the counter to reach for something won't be a necessity. 

Ruffle booty!

Thank you for making me a mommy, little pumpkin, and opening up a whole new world for me. I know your papa feels the same way. I can't overstate how much joy and happiness you bring to our families . I'm so blessed to be your mother.

xoxo

9 Months!

Dearest Monkey,

Look at me, getting your 9 month update finished in advance! I can't believe you've been here (almost) as long as you were in my belly.

We've had lots of fun over the past few months. You are getting more and more social, independent, curious, stubborn, mobile, and hungry every single day.

Visit from your aunties! Yeah! They enjoyed babysitting and spoiling you rotten.

You met my Lola, your great-grand Lola. And it was slightly embarrassing. Thankfully, on subsequent visits you weren't as...emotional as you were the first time.

Look at you sleeping in your crib! It took about 3 months, but we sort-of-mostly have the hang of this. Sickness, teething, and trips have interrupted our routine but overall you seem to prefer sleeping in your crib over everything else. Of course, it would be really lovely if you slept past 5 am, but I'M NOT COMPLAINING 5 AM IS ACTUALLY DOABLE PLEASE GOD, LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I'M REALLY HAPPY WITH MAKING IT TO 5 AM for now. AMEN.

You still really love to grab whatever we're holding. Since you were 30 seconds old you've had a phone in your face, so naturally by now you've noticed how we love our little glowing rectangles. I'm pretty sure you took this picture when I wasn't looking. I love it because it's exactly your point of view--your favorite toy (affectionately nicknamed"Red Rojo"), the rug, everything blurry because you hardly ever stop moving.

I've been searching for baby Moccasins for a million years but they are so expensive. Even the used ones are pricey. I finally found a pair at a consignment store! You won't be able to wear them for a few years, but you must learn this lesson: when you love it and it's on consignment, at a thrift store, or on clearance, you need to just go for it. Trust mommy on this.

We went on our first road trip to Northwest Arkansas! You were a trooper. Diaper changes in the trunk at a McDonalds parking lot? No big deal!

We hung out with your aunts and uncles, visited Crystal Bridges, and rode the elevator at the hotel a hundred times!

You love to touch things with your index finger. One day we can do crafts which require fine motor skills, like beading and sewing. I. Can't. Wait.

You love going for walks in the stroller. It's a shame I haven't been able to keep that hat on your head since I took this picture.

 You still love to hang out with us in the mornings, trying to grab our coffee and, you know, occasionally using our bed as a diaper. We tolerate it because we love you, and you make the best faces.

I feel like this picture is a glimpse into the future. You were upset because I took too long mashing your dinner in between bites. You really, really love to eat. I totally get it, girlfriend.

Other notables:

Ear infections.

You finally took a big bottle.

Favorite books: Goodnight Moon, Sophie, Bear's Colors, Mille Goes Shopping (!), Millie Goes for a Drive, a compilation of poems

You still love Dinosaur Train and recently have been watching Sesame Street. It's cliched, but you do love Elmo. When you hear the Elmo's World song, you stop and do a little dance. It's precious. Anyway, one day you will learn Cookie Monster is really the best. Just so relateable.

Anyway, you are such a joy! And, despite the fact that I've outsourced a lot of this parenting business (grandparents, daycare), you still seem to prefer me over anyone else in the world. I feel really blessed to be your favorite person. Thanks for being patient with me, lil boo. I love learning with you!

These are my confessions

Disclaimer: I love my baby girl. Millie has taught me so much already about love, priorities, motherhood, childhood, and everything. She's brought so much joy to not only our lives, but our families. She is the apple of our own parents' eyes. My beloved, kooky, candid piano teacher once told me, "I think I love my grandkids more than my own children." At the time I was slightly horrified at her confession. But now as I watch my own mom with my baby, I understand and am totally fine with it. I love and appreciate my parents now more than ever. I love and appreciate my husband now more than ever. My heart is a million times bigger and my life is a million times better because of my chunky monkey.

HOWEVER:

• I had no idea it was possible to be so physically tired and still function. Or maybe I'm not functioning at all and my coworkers are extra patient with me because I look and act like a zombie.

• A couple of recent articles on parenthood resonated with me. I wasn't prepared for the emotional dichotomy of everyday life as a someone's mother. It's a comfort to know I'm not alone in feeling certain ways, but sometimes I still feel really alone. 

• Crying it out has been the worst and best decision Zach and I have made so far as parents. We do not have a baby book/google child. According to our pediatrician-baby books-google, it should've taken 3 or 4 days to get all of the crying out of her system and she should be conking out as soon as we put her in the crib. We are on our 2nd week of this business and it still takes about 30 minutes before she settles. (Though, last night it took a record 12 minutes. Fluke? Progress? I'm hoping it's the latter.) We're super mean and chose the cold turkey method over Ferberizing. If I go in there, I'll cave and Millie will end up sleeping in her car seat or in our bed. In order for this to work, it must be go big or go home. Nothing has ever made me feel like a worse human or hate existence more than crying it out. BUT when she's down for the night suddenly we are super competent and slightly more like our old selves. Zach and I can actually have non-baby related conversations. We watch TV. We still, however, fall asleep at 9:30.

• I fear I'll never again sleep through then night or past 4:36 a.m, plus or minus 5 minutes. Sleeping to 5 a.m. is a huge accomplishment; all the way to 6 is like winning the lottery. I don't know what to do with myself at 4:36. Exercise? Pray? Prepare food for the crock pot so we can actually eat dinner that isn't frozen pizza or cereal? Play with my phone? The answer is D, play with my phone.

• I want to be a morning exercise person. I even bought new workout clothes hoping they would inspire me. Nope. Despite my internal alarm of 4:36 a.m., I have no motivation to move more than what is absolutely necessary. Maybe one day.

• My immune system is currently out of order. This scares me.

• I have a terrible case of wanderlust right now. A few of the places I'm obsessing over right now: San Francisco, Joshua Tree, the beach (any beach will do, I'm not picky), London (always). We have a few small trips planned for the summer. I'm excited about taking Millie on vacations when she's a little older and can actually have experiences.

• What is better than online shopping? It's the best invention EVER. I can hear a UPS truck down the street. This is obviously a sign of a problem. 

• We want Millie to have siblings. Really. But I seriously wonder if and when I'll be ready to do this again.

• Over the past few months, Zach and I have gotten better about going with the flow of life. Our jobs have been hectic and all three of us have been or are currently (cough) in varying stages of illness, culminating in the baby's first fever conveniently coinciding with testing week at work. We had car issues. We rely on our parents a little too much right now. But I think we are doing okay. It's so weird how life is strange and changing all the time, and this is now normal. Is this what it means to be an adult?

  

  Truer words were never printed on a set of baby pajamas.

Millie at 6 Months

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Dear Monkey,

We made it to your half birthday! To celebrate, we gifted you with the opportunity to soothe yourself to sleep. In order to do this, you needed to cry it out in your room by yourself. I know you hated it, and we hate it too, but it was working. It was really working. That is, until you decided to thank us by coming down with your first fever. So, we will resume CIO when you are back to your usual happy self. Sorry, lil boo!

Sadness; tiny hospital gown

One day you might stumble across this little blog, so I thought it would be nice to tell you a little bit about yourself at 6 months.

• Easygoing. Chill. Laid-back. These are NOT words to describe your personality. Right now, the word which best captures your personality is Feisty. You will not rest (literally) until you have things your way. I admire this trait, but let me warn you: There is a new sheriff in town, and she is the old sheriff who also gave birth to you, but she finally wised up and made some policy changes. 

This was the "after" picture of a cry-it-out-at-naptime attempt.

Your daycare teachers have described you as determined. You, as Ms. Nicole said, will fight a nap. Her exact words: "She will take it to the last round." But when you aren't fighting sleep you're scooting all over the rug and playing with your tiny buddies.

It makes me sad that you won't remember your infant room experience. Your teachers love you so much! Hi, Ms. Nicole, Ms. Telisha, Ms. Sharon, Ms. Wanda, and Ms. Fatima! They helped you learn how to hold your bottle, how to sit up, how to crawl. Yes, you are crawling at 6 months. I think it's a "survival of the fittest" situation--must get the good toys. You have a little girlfriend you hug every day and a little ginger boyfriend. Your father hates him. I hope one day when you're older you'll run into each other and hit it off, and when you tell me about him, I'll say, "Wait a minute...what's his birthday?" (The babies' birth dates and pictures are on their drawers.) You'll tell me, and I'll say, "Are you kidding? You went to daycare with him!" And then we'll scream and jump up and down.

• Curious. You are as curious as you are feisty. You are constantly looking around and surveying your surroundings.  You are never still for very long. If something is in front of you, you are reaching or crawling towards it. One sunny afternoon we were walking back to the car and you were hanging out of my arms, staring at the ground. You were looking at our shadows.

You love this activity center. Too bad it isn't yours!

You're especially interested in whatever objects are in your dad's or my hands: phones, eating utensils, books, toothbrushes. One morning you stuck your hand in your papa's coffee cup. Thankfully, you didn't get burned. You love to pretend drink out of your tiny mug. One of my favorite things in the world is watching you explore. Last night you didn't want to sleep because you were too busy playing with the zipper on my hoodie. That is, until you found my water bottle.

Always trying to feed yourself!

• Sweet. I know all mamas say their babies are sweet, but you really do have the sweetest little heart. Picking you up from daycare is such a special part of my day because you smile so wide when you spot me. When you hear your papa at the door, you'll turn to look and will not look away until he comes inside. Then you grin your tiny big grin.

Even when you were sick, you were so excited to see both your grandmothers in the same room that you kept crawling back and forth between them. Sometimes I show you pictures from your daycare's facebook page and you smile and lunge at the phone when you see someone you recognize. You love to tell us all about your day, especially while we change your diaper.

First trip to Michael's. Yeeeee!!!!

Some other favorites:

Nothing sweeter than a baby transfixed by television.

• Avocados. Not so much a fan of bananas. I think this will change.
• Sophie the Giraffe, That's Not by Fox, Gossie, the books your Lola brought back from the Philippines
• Dinosaur Train, Maya and Yaya, Parks and Recreation. You always stop what your doing to watch Parks and Rec, maybe because we would have 2 am viewing parties back in the day.
• Mam pacifiers. Nothing else will do. I bought the slightly larger size of the same brand, but you aren't having it. Newborn paci it is!
• Your little flower teething barbell-looking toy, your rubber cupcakes, rattle Sophie and elephant, and bear teething toy

I am excited about all the adventures to come! Baby girl, we love you so much! 

xoxo,

Mommy

Life is a jar of peanut butter, and the 3 Month Update

This post is all over the place, mostly because I can no longer finish anything in timely manner yet still begin multiple drafts. It seemed easier to combine them than finish three separate posts. Also, Emilia will turn 5 months in a few weeks, so some of this probably in a 4 month post. I should start posts labeled "X" month and just add to it gradually instead of trying to sit down and actually remember things. That is, if I can ever catch up on my months.

Millie's 3rd month was marked by some big events: The Start of Daycare and The Return to Work.

Millie visits me at work posing with a pen that reminds me of her.

My coworkers are so great! Until this year I have never worked in a place where everyone gets along so well. They have been incredibly supportive. Of course, the tweens waited generously until I came back to have their tween drama. It's totally cool.

Before I went back to work, I took Millie to her daycare a few times each week to get her acclimated. This was a huge, huge help to us, as I can't imagine even being able to concentrate on anything, much less work, on her first day of daycare.

We really love her daycare, and so does she! I love picking her up and she notices me and is like, "Hey! You! I know you!"

Braving some ice to see the doctor!

One side effect of being at daycare is that she's been pretty congested lately, which has led to biblically epic spit-ups. I'm so grateful for her doctor and for Zantac. We love you Zantac. We even have "Zantac-o'clock" alarms.

Random snow days mean extra family time and snuggles!

Hypnotized by television. We do read to her, I swear.

All I've ever wanted was for my kid to love television. Right now her attention span is pretty short. She mostly watches Dinosaur Train and a hulu show called Rainbow Horse, which is basically an acid trip. (Not that I've ever tripped on acid, but basically what I imagine it to be like.) She's also starting to show interest in some of the things we love: coffee, food, books. It's fun to watch her become interested in her environment.

She is really curious about dinner.

How can something this tiny generate so much laundry?

Sleep is better, but she falls asleep kind of late for a baby--usually around 8:30. Wake-up time is around 5:30, partly by necessity as I'm still nursing her in the morning. We are basically just letting her take the lead on the sleep thing. We no longer have the energy to force her into a routine.

Above: Sleeping on a boppy, in our bed. Completely passed out.
Below: Wide awake in her crib, naturally. Always. Awake. In. The. Crib.

All she wants to do is walk on us and needs 100% of our attention. We love her so much.

This sentence sums up everything I feel right now: "Life is the best it's ever been, and also the hardest it's ever been." I read the line on a blog of a first-time mom with a 6 month old. Such a perfect way to describe this moment of life.

Hey!              

In addition to this parenting business, Zach and I are learning how to be married with a child. In a way we communicate better now, but it's also exhausting discussing and planning everything so it will be "easier." (I'm really talking about dinner. Half of our conversations since Millie was born have been about dinner, and whether or not we should buy a crock pot, and planning our meals for the week, and did you put the thing in the crock pot so it will be ready when we get home. I'm very much over it.) We did order takeout almost every day one week and that was fun only the first few nights. I guess the crock pot is the solution, but obviously the real solution is someone hand us a million dollars so we can hire someone to cook, and clean for us.

During the week we gave up trying and ordered take-out every day.

Before Millie got here it was so easy to think, "I am not going to be that mom." I swore I would breastfeed for a year and the moment she started making noise at church I'd take her to the back. Most of all I promised myself I wouldn't compare myself to other moms or my baby to other babies. Then slowly those plans began to unravel, and mostly I don't mind. What bothers me is when I look at other babies, and I look at mine, and think, "That baby was born a week before Millie! She's huge! She's already started on solids! Should we start Mills on solids? Why isn't she teething yet? How is X's baby already laughing? Millie is older! Is she not laughing because we started supplementing early?" This insanity happened twice in one week with different babies. It's totally pointless. She's healthy and growing and happy. This is my new mantra for when I start turning into That Mom.

Giving me the stink-eye for being Comparey Comparesalot.

Sometimes I can't believe how much has changed in the span of one year. The other day at work I was scavenging for food in my office and pulled a jar of peanut butter from my desk. I looked at the "best if used by"date: February 2015. Suddenly I became very emotional. That jar of peanut butter has been with me through a crazy year. It was with me during the early days of pregnancy when I was trying to keep my little secret. It was with me during a busy, frantic spring. It was with me when my coworkers and I were told our little school would be shut down, and that we'd be transferred to new schools. It was with me while I adjusted to a new work environment during those difficult last weeks of pregnancy. It was waiting for me when I returned from maternity leave.

Symbolic jar of peanut butter 

My little jar of peanut butter. We have been through a lot together. I didn't throw it away (I didn't eat from it either). I'm not ready to let go of it yet. Things have gotten better, and a LOT easier in all aspects--parenthood, work, wifehood-- but I'm still hanging on to my jar of peanut butter for a little longer.

This is pretty much life right now--feed ourselves, feed the baby, watch Netflix, go to sleep at 8:30. It isn't a bad life at all with these two.